The Animal Conspiracy

Unlike the extremely funny comedy bit with the same name by Tim Bedore (!), “The Animal Conspiracy” at my house is no laughing matter. Every weekend, like clockwork, the animals in our house and neighborhood team up to keep us, the humans, from sleeping in. It’s easy for them, since they get to sleep all day, but for us, the ever diligent servants of our capitalist society, a little extra rest 2 mornings a week would seem like a gift from heaven.

It starts with the cat, innocently pawing at the wooden curtains that block her view out the window. I am a light sleeper, so that noise is enough to jerk me out of whatever meager slumber I have and drag me instantly to my feet. I toss her out of the bedroom and quietly close the door, hoping to not wake my wife. She usually sleeps with earplugs firmly embedded, so I have a small window of opportunity here before all hell breaks loose.

It’s still dark, so I stumble into the bathroom for some welcome relief and hope that the dogs don’t hear a passing siren. This event usually happens at the most inconvenient time and if you are not ready for it, the strained “woooo-WooOOOooO-WOOOOOOO!” of the one dog, accompanied by the melodic “WOO-WOO-WOOOO-WOOoOoOOoOoOOoOOo” of the other chiming in, is enough to break even a sane person. In their defense, it’s not their fault. One of them has hyper-sensitive hearing and the other is half deaf, so they are trying to express themselves in the only way they know. If only they had completed that shorthand class, they too could be blogging their troubles instead of waking the neighborhood with their incessant howling, long after the actual siren had passed.

But this morning I was lucky; no siren, no howling, and just maybe, I can go back to bed and get a little more precious sleep. It’s now 5:31 and I gently slip back into bed, hoping that I don’t wake my wife.

Then the neighbor’s dog starts yapping, a high-pitched “Yip!……”Yip!” sound that echos through our suburban neighborhood, unencumbered by trees to deflect and soften its tiny bark. I don’t know exactly which neighbor owns this dog, because the noise does carry so far, so now I am hoping an ambulance goes by just so that my dogs can wake the yippy dog’s owner. I’m awake, why shouldn’t he be as well? My wife rolls over slightly and offers me a set of earplugs, but I know the damage is done; I am awake and the chance of me getting any more sleep this morning are completely shot.

I force myself to lay there for another 45 minutes, thinking “shut-eye” is almost as good as actual sleep. As the sun comes up, the birds start chirping and once again I am reminded that we live in their domain, which they run the way they like.

The cat is now clawing at the carpet outside our bedroom door. The conspiracy has won, yet again, as I walk downstairs, feed the cat, close the back door and start to write this post. Welcome to my weekend.

About hemibill

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3 Responses to The Animal Conspiracy

  1. chaoticscribbles says:

    As a fellow light-sleeper; I feel for you 😛

  2. hemibill says:

    This is Labor Day weekend and once again the Animal Conspiracy has been in full force. Ear plugs and Melatonin don’t stand a chance against the dogs howling at *exactly* 6:30 each morning. Also this year we have a construction crew 2 houses over (the only empty lot in the neighborhood) who insist on starting work every day at the stroke of 7:00 am, and then they are relatively quiet after 8:00.

  3. Mona says:

    & to add to hemibill ^^ they had a jack hammer!

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