Dear snack machine vendor,
For years I have said that if a snack machine accepted an ATM card, I would weight 100 pounds more than I currently do. My greatest fears have now come true. Your new machine does accept ATM cards.
And yes, it’s mostly my own fault that I have this fear of not being able to control my caloric intake. Many people eat out of boredom, so if I am running a process on my computer that I know will take some time, I would wander down to the break room and find something to snack on. I know I tend to eat too much and given a choice of snacks, I usually pick the one that is worse for my health. I know this because I know ME. I’ve been me for nearly 47 years now and I’m pretty sure I’ve got ME figured out. I am weak and chocolate is like kryptonite to me. My only defense (up to this point) was to NOT carry change or small bills in my wallet. That way the snacks stayed safely locked inside the machine and not smuggled out of the break room in my tummy.
Your new machine also runs a tab, allowing me to keep any spare change that I other wise would have emptied out of my pockets at night, thus making that change available for my next purchase. It’s like a crack dealer, always enticing you to come back for another taste. It’s a marketing plan that should make Bill Hicks turn in his grave. And it’s sneaky good, just like a Zero bar when you are depressed.
But much like the Occupy Wall Street protestors, I will persevere. I will resist. I will not buckle under. And most importantly, I will not resort to violence. Damn you and your evil ways.
PS. Mom’s apple pie wrapped in a flag would be a nice addition to the Eskimo Bars. See what you can do, OK?